Bacon.
That was the alarm clock.
Scooby Doo.
The cartoon of choice.
The beginnings of the perfect Saturday.
Most weekends started this glorious way when I was growing up. My dad in the kitchen making bacon and eggs (only meal he ever made) and the TV released to the kids. This was the only time we were allotted to watch mindless cartoons in total freedom. Then, the rest of the day was riding bikes and exploring until the street lights came on.
Maybe it’s nostalgia… or maybe it truly was perfection.
Some weekends I was able to go to my aunt’s house. This was a special treat because I was obsessed with spending time with my cousin. To me there was no one cooler, funnier and all around greater than she, with the exception of one thing:
She tortured me.
Many Saturdays, as I sat nestled in front of the television screen, absorbed in Scooby Doo, my sister and cousin would sneak up behind me and wrestle me to the ground. Once they firmly had me under their control, whilst sitting on top of me, they would tickle me. Not ordinary tickling to make me laugh. Nope. Tickling with a warm, embarrassing, and fiendishly desired outcome (required a change of clothing).
Always able to overcome me and make me hostage to their devilish scheme, I felt helpless– and mad for missing Scooby.
The feeling of physical restraint is maddening. And experiencing an emotional hostage situation is just as bad.
We all know that feeling.
“Walking on eggshells.”
“Sitting in a rocking chair in a room full of long tailed cats.”
“Traversing a field of landmines.”
“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
I knew a young lady, many years ago, that was always quick to smile, hug, give an encouraging word, or help in any way unless it was “her time of the month.” Her Crazy Train did not whistle as it chugged down the track; it came full steam, barrelling into the train station, forcefully taking out any bystanders. Its conductor could be likened to Cruella Deville as depicted in the video game of the remake of 101 Dalmations. Crazy eyed, hair disheveled and determined to blast anyone in her way. Freaky. At these times, there was no reasoning with her. We tiptoed around, hoping not to set her off– hostages.
(Refer back to the Crazy Train post if you feel you are hormone imbalanced)
Unbalanced hormones may be one explanation, but not the only one.
According to Richard Zwolinski LMHC,CASAC the root to this behavior of taking other’s feelings hostage often is (but isn’t always) fear of abandonment.
If someone isn’t really in touch with his or her feelings, or is experiencing a lot of anger and pain, they may project onto you in order to get a response out of you. That negative feedback that you give is their reward.
Either you become enmeshed so therefore they don’t feel “abandoned.” Or, you get fed up and end the conversation or even the relationship, so they can say, “See, everyone abandons me in the end.”
Most of us have been on both sides of this.
I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells around someone you love and to be absolutely clueless as to how to engage them when everything you do seems to be wrong or stupid.
I also know what it is like to feel abandoned and discarded, therefore projecting that pain on friends– hoping they would reassure me of my place in their lives or just hurry up and kill the relationship.
Armed with the knowledge that I can at times struggle with that fear, I have to be diligent in checking my motives. This is a hard struggle to openly admit. If I don’t bring these feelings out into the light though, I struggle with them in the dark recesses of my mind. And dark minds are the devil’s playground.
Whether you feel you are being emotionally held hostage (manipulated) or that you may, unknowingly or knowingly, be the perpetrator, it is necessary you have your eyes opened.
According to an article in Charisma Magazine, 6 Ways to Deal With Emotional Manipulation, these are signs that you are being manipulated:
- People give you ultimatums.
- People use tears against you.
- People give you the silent treatment.
- People play the victim.
- People make you walk on eggshells.
- People guilt you.
- People skew the facts.
- People twist your words.
- People suck the life out of you.
If you feel like you are being manipulated, I urge you to go to charismamag.com and finish reading the article. The article gives you 6 steps that can help deal with this new epiphany.
If you feel like you are the one that is holding people hostage/manipulating, please come into the light. Fear of abandonment is a deep rooted fear. Seek out a pastor/counselor/trusted friend and open a conversation.
Here is what I know as truth:
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Psalm 94:19 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
