G O O D
M O U R N I N G
“I want tears. . . lots of them.
None of this (I wave my hand in air quote motions) “celebrating”* stuff! Perhaps even hired mourners would be good– with a New Orleans style band, of course. And here is how I think the eulogy should go. . .’ As you all probably know, Andria is my. . . (I fake sob). We. . . ( I make unintelligible sounds.)
. . .I love (wailing.). . .I will miss (I fake sob some more).’ And then end with a big snot sniff and having to be carried off the stage.”
This was me describing to my best friend and husband how I want my funeral.
Although this conversation brought about much laughter, particularly coupled with my Sarah Bernhardt like portrayal of the mourners, it also sparked a conversation about mourning.
What does it look like?
Is it supposed to be like what we see in movies or even like the news? Have we “Westernized” grief to the point we have locked it away? Do we even know how to walk out the Biblical principles of mourning with someone?
The Bible speaks of it as an emotion is to be embraced:
Ecc. 3:4 . . a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. . .
Romans 12 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. . .
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. . .
Isaiah 16:1-2 . . .help the brokenhearted. . .console all who mourn. . .
The subject of Biblical mourning (I qualify that because I’m not meaning being sad and depressed, or the subsequent acting out) is something I challenge you all to delve into. It has a purpose, and to skim over that aspect of life can be detrimental to your healing and growth. One day we will all be sitting in the depths of that emotion, so knowing it has purpose, and being armed with some truth, could possibly keep your heart/mind from spiralling out. It may feel like an Alice in Wonderland trip down the rabbit hole, nonetheless. But, trust me on this, being grounded in the truth will give you a strong foothold to stop the madness.
I want to narrow the focus on “mourn with those who mourn” though. This is an area we often fall short of as friends. I think this is, in part, because deep emotional sorrow and grief has become an antiquated emotion.( I ask that you take a moment and consider the last statement.)
I am well versed in the “keep a stiff upper lip~ Emotions are to be kept in house, preferably stored away till the end of time. “ So, if we can’t muster these deep emotions within ourselves then how in the world are we to come along anyone else and join them in the mourning process?
What happens then is we just avoid the uncomfortable phase of mourning and leap into the “comfort” or “rejoice” sections of the verses. In doing so, we have robbed the person we love of the crucial first steps of healing, placated them with meaningless/empty sayings– “Heaven needed another angel” or “When God closes a door he always opens a window” — And we consequently squander an opportunity to be used by God; which is also a missed opportunity to strengthen your friendship.
Is avoiding an uncomfortable space of time worth it?
Am I asking you to tear your clothes off, throw ash on your face and cry out to God? No. Maybe. It’s just that God did not ask us to mourn with others. He tells us to. So it is incumbent upon us to live it out. The great part is…the Holy Spirit is also called The Comforter. If He is leading you, it will be what is needed.
Here is what I can tell you as someone who has mourned the loss of friends, babies, parents and careers:
it is a lonely place.
Most people don’t know how to come alongside you, so they offer to give you your space. Emojis, inspirational texts, and small tokens are given as replacements for their time and emotional involvement. Let’s be honest here, time and emotional involvement are what we all crave and yet are too stingy or scared to give. This has to change.
Mourning, sorrow,and grief are not one and done emotions. “Just have a good cry” is not the formula to achieve the joy that follows mourning.
But having someone journey with you through the process, who allows you the bandwidth to continue to have those intense moments of emotions, but keeps you moving in the direction away from despair into dancing…
That is being a Biblical friend.
*I do believe “Celebration of Life” services are great.
