“Wanna have coffee?”
“Sure, when?”
My friend Debra and I perused our calendars for possible dates.
“Ok, see you in five weeks at 9am.”
Five weeks later we both showed up at the coffee shop at 9am.
The beauty in this whole exchange is really in what didn’t happen. No rescheduling, no clarification texts, no anxiety as to whether or not the other would show or be late. Nope, none of that. Just two friends who believe in each other and their friendship enough to be able trust the other.
I admit, when I saw her sitting at the table with a steamy cuppa in hand, exactly how I envisioned she would be, a peace washed over me. It was so great to have a conversation with someone, set some plans, and not worry about whether it would come to fruition.
“Let your yes be yes and your no be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.”
James 5:12
Now there have been times when Debra and I have had to reschedule for different life reasons, but my point is that I am so secure in our friendship that I know that she will conquer hell or high water to keep her trust with me. And I with her. It’s a freeing feeling. It’s more than a feeling— it’s a knower; a solid conviction has been established in my heart based on a repeated pattern. Debra has unquestionably kept her word, time and time again. With this repeated pattern established, I don’t carry anxiety about whether she really wants to hang with me. I know she does. I don’t feel like an obligation, an inconvenience, or a second-class friend.
The very thing that keeps those feelings of insecurity at bay is a beautiful, little word: trust.
I trust my husband not just because I love him, but because he has established a pattern of behavior in our marriage that causes me to be secure. If I didn’t trust him, any trip he took, late night at the office, etc. would cause tremendous anxiety.
I trust the brakes in my car because they have repeatedly proven that they will do the job. If I didn’t trust them, running to Publix for a Pubsub would be a stressful venture.
I trusted my parents knew what was best for me growing up. If I hadn’t, I would’ve rebelled against them. But their guidance proved valuable years over, therefore I believed their intentions were pure.
I have written before that I live by a motto based on this idea of trust:
I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
I say this often to my family and friends, but more importantly I live it. For example, I don’t empty threat my kids. I remind them of this saying when I list the consequences of disobedience. This has led to toys being returned, the car being pulled over, friends being sent home, etc. Why? Because they need to know that I say what I mean and mean what I say all the time. Establishing this foundation is crucial, then when I tell them that I love them— even when they break my heart—they believe me. They will believe me when I say they can talk to me about anything.
Same goes for friends. If I have established a pattern of trust in our friendships, then they will believe me when I say they are beautiful, or that I will be there when they need me, or even when I have to bring correction. Vice versa.
When love is present, but trust is tenuous, anxiety will plague a relationship.
The hardest, yet simplest way to restore the relationship is . . .
Say what you mean and mean what you say to the best of your ability and watch your friendships grow in maturity as you. . .
Protect time with your friends. Last minute changes and additions of other people, depending on your friends personality, may seem like you are avoiding time with them.
Be on time. Just like at a job, punctuality speaks volumes.
Be truthful; no excuses. We all know and can understand that life happens.
Pray with them.
Don’t commit to something you are not sure you can keep. If you say, “I’ll call you right back,” do it. It may seem like a small thing, but it builds a strong foundation. Maybe be simple and practice using verbiage like, “I will try.”
And remember, grace is a key component here. Sometimes we will fail tragically in keeping our commitments and honoring people. We need to give each other room for mistakes. However, grace should never be trampled. If you are consciously breaking trust and then expecting grace—I would question if you are truly a friend to that person. It sounds harsh, but a moment of shining a light on your heart is a moment well worth it.
We all want to know we are loved, wanted, adored, appreciated, and needed. We all want to be counted on, as well as to be able to rely on others. It’s in our nature. God draws us into community because it is there that we feel His love and presence the most. Therefore the enemy will do all he can to get us to foster mistrust. Guard against it!
If you promised your kid you will play catch—get out the mitt.
If you set a date with a friend—go! Linger if you can. Enjoy. Don’t look at your phone or dash off unless it is necessary. Both of your “knowers” will be built up.
If you promise your spouse a phone call—make it priority.
Simple acts of doing what we say will reap peace in our relationships.
*Note: It’s important to read verses in context of the surrounding scriptures and the history of the time. At the time, people were making oaths and vows on sacred objects, the temple etc. to bring validity to their statement. So, they were being urged to simply be a person of their word.
Sermon on the Mount commentary writes (author unknown), “Your agreements give something to others and represent a very real exchange. So, failing to keep your word steals something from the person to whom you have given it. When your ‘yes’ becomes ‘no’ or your ‘no’ becomes ‘yes’ then you steal at least another’s trust in you, if not something greater. When you guarantee your word by swearing on something for which God has responsibility, then, should you break your word, you steal God’s reputation. God’s decisions are unchanging and, if we follow his example, the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ are enough. Only if your intent is evil will you feel the need to support your words with oaths.”
