It was the start of a great day.
First coffee and prayer-time with my friends. Not a tea-party-kind-of-get-together, but the good kind where all of the “back doors” were closed and the nit and grit came out. There is such a raw beauty in the genuineness that comes out with cries for help. I mostly observed as one friend counseled the other with love and Godly wisdom. I enjoyed the second-hand pleasure of watching the demeanor of the counseled changing as she received the words being offered by the counselor.
As I climbed into my car to leave I reflected on how I had just spent the first few hours of my day watching God do what He does best—love people through His people.
While in the car, I received an encouraging phone call about a job asking me to do some more photography for them. It left me surprised, humbled, and excited—as having a passion acknowledged as a payable skill can do.
And the day’s brilliance only strengthened when an impromptu lunch with my hubby happened. Good food and a little flirting is the perfect combination to initiate a smile the comes from within (That should be a proverb).
And finally, (now don’t judge me too much for this) I had alone time at my happy place—Target. Although, I have to admit, I was thrown off by the organizational upheaval that was happening in there. I have a routine of first checking all the sales spots before moving onto the full-priced items and I didn’t know where anything was which was hindering my goal of finding some summer shorts and a tank for the combined price of $5. Nonetheless, everything was all good.
Until it wasn’t.
Something hit me in The Grove Super Target. A dark something so “other” than my great day that I don’t think I had even an inkling of the damage it was about to wreak. And it was so unexpected that I’m tempted to look back and wonder if I’m exaggerating.Truly, I don’t think I am though.
As I was tooling down the aisle, I literally felt something ram me in the back. A tingling feeling went up my spine, over my skull, and curled around my lips. A wave of nausea followed that made my stomach bottom out. Immediately my eyes welled with tears as I searched the data banks of my mind for an explanation. It came up empty. As I stood there— dumbfounded—four words were dropped into my soul as if they were let go from four stories high. They wrenched inside of me.
You are less than…
I just stood there.
These words were simultaneously foreign and familiar. I did not know why I was blindsided like this, but I did know who did it. It felt like him, at least. There was no peace. Just turmoil.
God’s enemy was making a move against me.
Before moving an inch, I texted two of my closest friends and asked for prayer. They were on it.
Although I knew in my spirit this was a spiritual attack, my curious mind began to wander through the resume of my life. I started searching for the reason…
Less than what?
Less than who?
A few minutes later I had a mental list.
It flowed out of my soul as if someone plunked in an old 80’s tape and pushed PLAY. Old tunes I forgot I knew were being sung again. I recalled every word and melody. Every verse of “less than” statements—every dissonant chord of disappointment, disunity and mediocrity.
But I believe that the true prayers of my friends prevailed (James 5:16) because in the tornadic activity of my mind, a still and peaceful voice came through. He spoke kindly to me. He said, “You fell for the enemy’s oldest trick. He introduced the thought, but it was YOU that filled in the blank. Why?… Because he did not have anything.”
As I sat and described this moment with Hannah the following day, she said, “Ah, it was all smoke and mirrors.”
It absolutely was.
As I reflect now, I see that in my “soul search” for where I was falling short, it’s plain as day that all I was doing was focusing on me. I was looking at my reflection in the middle of Target and saw all the ways I don’t measure up to other moms, friends, wives, Christians, writers, photographers, etc. The list was long and heavy. And I hated what I saw. Someone who was just shy of hitting the mark every single time. I kept thinking to myself how that’s even more shameful than not even trying.
But, once my eyes were diverted from myself, I was able to let the smoke settle. It could no longer blind me from seeing the truth. The truth lay not in the opinions others have of me, or the ones I have of myself. Those are the elemental makings of the smoke. Diversions. Blinders.
Instead, the Bible (truth) says,
And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into his image with intensifying glory, which comes from the Lord, who is in Spirit. 2 Cor 3:18
I’m thankful that this emotional avalanche lasted only a day. I’m wildly grateful to those who have taught me how to recognise an attack and the power or reaching out. Perhaps next time, if the enemy chooses to try it again, I will not pop in that tape at all, but instead I will sing out the truth of who I am in Christ.
I encourage you all to follow suit. Don’t be fooled by the smoke and mirrors. “You are less than…” is not from God.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Rom 8:37
