The “B” Word

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

The busy signal sound.

We don’t hear it as often as we used to. Call waiting, answering machines, voicemail and prompts have essentially replaced that annoying sound, but no matter what barrier stands between us and the person on the other end, we are still holding out to be heard. That sounds means, whatever you need to say, discuss, plan, or to emote does not take precedence over what is happening. It may or may not be true. Until a connection is made both parties are voiceless.

It is tough being the one waiting to connect. You do learn a certain amount of patience and perseverance. Just like dialing and redialing into a radio station to win some amazing prize, you just press on in hope. To hear the voice pick up on the other end is almost inexplicable. The prize is great, but the triumph of the connection is the victory. I realize it is a choice whether or not to engage in this pursuit. It would be easy to sit back and tell yourself it is not worth the disappointment. Picking up the phone and broadcasting your need/desire for the prize can be daunting. Is it worth it?

I also understand what it is like to be the one on the “other end” of the phone. There are so many different explanations to why you are delaying picking up the phone. Perhaps whatever the person is pursuing is not ready yet. You are delighted in their pursuit, but YOU know the delay will be worth the wait. There are also times that your end of the “switchboard” is lit up with many different calls, all wanting your immediate attention. Your desire is not to put on the busy signal, but it seems like the logical thing to do until you can prioritize your time. I get it. Life can be overwhelming. When life becomes that way, the busy signal then becomes the last wall of protection before a total disconnect happens.

I am going to have a super honest moment with you. I have wrestled with this post for quite awhile. This subject has been the Achilles Heel in Dana’s and mine friendship since God has placed each other in our lives, because Dana is the epitome of the “B” word.

BUSY

Without getting lost in the minutia of her life, suffice is to say….her life is crazy. I have a front row reserved seat to observe the chaos. She admits some of it is self induced. The other part is the result of having 5 humans of varying ages, tastes, desires, abilities and weaknesses living under the same roof. Couple that scenario with both her and her husband being self employed and you have a tapped out calendar full of work, school, birthday parties, meetings and church. So, it is completely understandable how the word “busy” has become embedded into her everyday vocabulary.

Then God introduces Andria (me) into her life.

Although I am not a stranger to chaotic schedules, I very rarely use the word “busy.” I suppose a lot is due to the fact that my parents never did. Trust me, they were, but they never used that verbiage. My husband has a jammed calendar, yet he doesn’t say it often either. Plus, I have only two kids at home and they are 11 years apart in age. I can not adequately compare our two lives.

Since our two roads we were traveling merged together things have been a bit bumpy.

Just a week into our newfound relationship, Dana reveals that if we were to make it as friends, I would have to be the pursuer. This revelation was based on the reality of her life. No matter how well intentioned she might be, she knew her shortcomings, and being busy was one of them. This did not offend me. I appreciated her honesty. So I pursued. All was good until a major hurdle came in her life. The chaos amped up expediently. I did what I could to alleviate some stress, but eventually all I heard was….

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

I was desperate to connect. I missed my friend. I began to despise the word “busy.” All my heart could hear were the unspoken words- My schedule is more important than you, you are not worth my effort, just leave me alone. My old insecurities came ripping through my mind, the biggest being you will always be the ugly fat girl chasing the cheerleader.

Meanwhile…….Dana’s switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.

There were so many demands for her attention and time that all Dana wanted to do was hole up and disconnect. In fact, when we finally did get together “disconnecting” was up for discussion. The solid fact was that we knew that God put us together and until HE separates we had to to be obedient. Knowing this, we delve into a deeper place of honesty and vulnerability. We both took off our filters of fears and insecurities and saw each other in a different light. Our newly acquired knowledge of our coping mechanisms, love languages and filters opened up our lines of communication for the future. We connected.

I saw this posted and reposted on FB:
To all the friends that think I’ve cut them off
We’re adults & busy. No reason to be in constant contact with you to prove my friendship to you. Just know when/if you need me, I’m here.
This is a dangerous mindset.
I believe the Bible:
Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times…”
Proverbs 18:24 “One who has unreliable friend soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.”
Dana and I have learned each other’s rhythms, strengths and weakness. I used to curse the fact that my love language was quality time because I knew that was the hardest thing for her to give. It would be so much easier if it was gifts. She could just Amazon me a gift once a month and we would be golden. But knowing me, she makes a conscious effort to just “hang out” with no agenda. I realize she fights her nature to this, and I love her all the more for it. I, on the other hand, have to be aware of when she needs space to ponder and reflect. I have to “take captive” the “fat girl chasing the cheerleader” thoughts.

Jesus also needed to step away from his friends and work out some things. The Bible says that his friends were a “stone’s throw away” when He was in the Garden before his death.

Here is what I want you to think about listening to our cautionary tale:
Has my hurt given me permission to stop “calling” people?
Have I lost sight of the effort needed to pursue and maintain a friendship?
Is saying the word “busy” becoming second nature to you? Perhaps even a wall?
Are your insecurities demanding too much from your friend and too little from God?

I leave you with this last story:
My friend Claudia is a full time caseworker, with an unpredictable and demanding schedule. She is married, volunteers at two churches, a wife and mom to two kids. Although her son is married and has moved out, her adult daughter is physically handicapped and lives at home. One day we were talking about schedules and I commented about how busy she was. She sternly looked me in the eyes and said that she never uses the word “busy.” She explained that she feels that saying “I’m busy” communicates to other people you don’t have time for them and that she never wants people to feel that way. Instead, she will explain that her schedule is challenging, but wants to find the time. Then she does.
The most attractive thing to me is effort.
Someone who really wants to talk to me,
Wants to see me, wants to make me
A part of their day. (3 am thoughts)